The Life and times of Eric Cartman
by loob88
Summary: May be moved up to an M because of touchy subjects. Anyway, Eric Cartman is a normal South Parker, apart from the fact that he wants to break free of the vicious circle only known as South Park life. He doesn't want Kenny to die every day. He doesn't want Stan and Kyle to be in a gay relationship. But what is a boy to do? (Contains implied Style, Garrislave and Victiane)
1. Chapter 1

"Good morning, Eric."

Those three words get under my skin every time.

"Good morning, Mother." I reply, monotony filling me. It's the same every day. My so-called Mother says good morning to me and I reply, like some sort of robot. Maybe that's what she's trained me as. Maybe she adopted me as a baby and corrupted my mind. I don't even look like her. Or that useless ginger of a Dad whose name I shall not speak. I'm being serious when I say I look more like that retard Mr. Garrison (Or Mrs. Garrison? I don't know because he/she/he again was never the same after that sex-change op) than I do my useless parents. I think I also have a twist of Principal Victoria in me. Uh-oh. If that means I'm going to be retarded and/or gay when I grow up, I need to get some books on how to do it subtly.

I snap out of my train of thought and grab five candy corn Pop Tarts. I say goodbye to my mother and walk out the door, ready for another day of boredom and/or lectures from Mr. Mackey on how to be polite to people with the disease of homosexuality. I just know that'll happen today, because it does every day. It happens because we make fun of Mr. Garrison's relationship with Mr. Slave. It happens because we make fun of Principal Victoria for being a retard. It just happens, and I wanna break free from it. I hate the comments about my weight. I hate being friends with Kenny, who only likes girls so he can make lewd comments about them. I hate being looped into the relationship with Stan and the Jew rat. I hate being ridiculed and laughed at for not having a father. I hate being taunted because I still have teddies like Clyde Frog and Peter Panda. I hate it all.

And it just so happens that today is my lucky day.


	2. Chapter 2

I walk up to the bus stop, a shard of angriness piercing my heart because I can hear the boys talking about me.

"Watcha up to?" I ask them politely.

"Nothing, fat boy. It's none of your business-" Kyle hisses back but is cut off by Pip (who just so happens to be standing by them).

"The boys are replacing you in their club with me! Oh, and we're tying Kenny's legs to a helium balloon and setting it alight tonight at Stan's barbecue. Jolly good fun!" The English boy smiles. I spit at him. Kenny can die today. I'm just really irked that the boys replaced me with _Pip_! Of all the kids in South Park! Why couldn't they have chosen Wendy? It would have been sexier then, by far. I can still remember when she auditioned for Fingerbang. And I still remember what a Fingerbang was, thanks to Kenny. He had probably known since he was about 5. He keeps all of those dirty magazines in his school locker anyways. He knows we like to read them so he occasionally passes a copy or two round. That's good old Kenny. Well it is good old Kenny when he isn't having any low days. He's been having more of them lately, especially after the incident with that foster family. I can remember it as if it was yesterday. The cops sent me to that same family too. No wonder Kenny was feeling so low afterwards. His parents probably couldn't afford to take him to KFC afterwards, which my Mother did. She always gives me food after I've gone through a rough patch. No wonder I look like a baby killer whale! Mother covers my weight up by saying I have a glandular problem and when I tell that to my so-called friends, they just laugh. Like they laugh when I get hurt. Like I laugh (sadistically) when Kenny dies. But I don't really find it funny.

I just ignore the guys, leaving them to talk. I have my own friends, anyway. I could easily get Butters and Token to play with me. Butters is mentally ill after his parents sent him to Hawaii, so I can manipulate his mind. Token still thinks I like him after that incident where I killed all my toys. He was the one who got me the replacement Clyde Frog and Peter Panda. He'll be easy to warp, too. It'll be like pie.

Just as I think this to myself, the school bus comes along and I watch the others get on. I wait for a while, then slowly make my way along the bus until I get to the back. I take a cautious sniff at them. The first three smell like cat urine.

"Kenny was here when he got high on cat pee." I mutter to myself. I take another good sniff. The next three smell like beer.

"Kenny was here when he got wasted." I mutter again, this time loud enough for everybody to hear. I take one last final sniff, and the last three chairs come back clear. I sit at the very last one, right by the window, and pray for the bus to start. But it doesn't. Looking out the window, I can see Kevin McCormick and his mother run up to the bus hastily. Looks like Kenny was the only McCormick to get up that morning. Luckily, the bus door shuts just in time, leaving Kevin and Carol outside in the cold. I chuckle at this and watch the world go by as the bus moves quickly. I feel like Kenny when he gets high or wasted. Probably both, knowing Kenny. It's a miserable existence for him. His family are poor and he only experiences fun when he gets drunk or stoned. I thought of taking him in but my Mother doesn't really want a mouth to feed unless it's the mouth of her new boyfriend/girlfriend (Mother goes through lesbian phases sometimes). This time it's Principal Victoria (Mother calls her Vicky or Vick or Vicky-poos) and it's utterly embarrassing. _Principal Victoria is the PRINCIPAL of my school and my Mother is having an affair with her!_ It's just typical of my Mother.

And It's just typical of fate to bite me in the backside when I really need its help.


End file.
